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I’ve felt unwell for the past few weeks. Then for about the first time ever in my life my period was late. I took a test - negative. I looked at other possible reasons.

Last Wednesday after a couple of long meetings I ended up crashing at Dazza’s. We got up early and picked up breakfast at Starbucks. He trotted off to work and I struggled to get myself to the train station. Everytime a car passed me I retched. A smoker passed me and I retched (even the idea of me having a ciggie myself would make me retch). I dashed into a convenience store for some water and barely made it out. So many smells set off nausea.

So I bought another test and when I reached home and took it. This time it was positive. Apparently I was pregnant.

I was in shock for 2 reasons - the test a few days before which was negative, and also a belief - now obviously in doubt - is that I had issues with fertility. Although to be fair having just turned 36 and not been on the Pill for over 10 years and never having a late period even before I think my concerns were grounded in reality.

I take myself around to a local clinic which is literally down the road and around the corner, and is only for mothers and babies. It’s like a baby factory. The reception area has a groove in it from very pregnant ladies dashing from the entrance to the toilet. Pregnant ladies need to wee a lot. And immediately. You start to notice this from the beginning.

Tie a heavy weight around your tummy above your bladder to simulate this experience.

The receptionists here turn out to be pretty nice and help me fill out the initial form. Turns out it’s not because I’m a foreigner - they have to help everyone out. Maybe they need to review the form. The first question is the most confusing - will I be having the child at the clinic? Myself and another woman later just looked at the receptionist in the same way at this one. I was like - actually shouldn’t we confirm I am pregnant first, then maybe find out more information about that and the clinic before I book a spot now for 9 months time? Weird.

I wait for some time. I notice I am not the only one to constantly have a face towel to my mouth to help control the nausea. There’s a number of us in the waiting room using the towel method.

Finally my name is called and I wait on another chair to see a doctor. I can tell from the first instant that we are not going to get along. He acts nervous and stressed about his lack of English. The nurse and I both look at him in some contempt as he finally stammers out that I will need to have an ultrasound. The nurse takes me into another room and explains everything to me in Japanese just as she does to her other patients. We had already had the Japanese ability conversation outside and I have no problems following her instructions or explanations.

It’s a bloody Magical Moving Stirrup Chair under the curtain deal (which I have discussed before), which I have no patience for usually but I just want to find out what is going on so I don’t kick up a fuss. The doctor is hopeless at explaining what he’s doing and was very lucky not to get kicked when he failed to tell me he was inserting the ultrasound equipment. I am extremely angry and tense at this stage.

I can see the screen and a blob there. He makes a few marks. After the ultrasound I put my clothes again and go back into the office. Instead of just explaining what was going on properly in Japanese, he tries this combination of half mangled English and Japanese which no one on the planet would be able to understand. I may not come across it sometimes on this blog but I’m actually a very polite person until my patience runs out. At this point feeling nauseous, scared and angry I just tell him to tell me what is going on in proper Japanese.

Finally it comes out that yes I am pregnant, but there is internal bleeding so there is a very high chance I am going to miscarry. Spontaneous abortion is the medical term. There is nothing to be done except wait to see if my insides decide to drop out. Am supposed to ring the clinic immediately if there is too much pain and blood involved. Otherwise more tests next Thursday to see if there is any positive thing happening at all.

So far my insides haven’t dropped out on the floor - but I’m not straying too far from home just in case. The nausea continues. I realize the phrase “morning sickness” is a complete load of crap - unless you consider “morning” to include all daylight hours. I’m an emotional wreck as well - think PMS but much more intense. And for longer. I keep falling asleep suddenly at my computer while working, but then last night I could not get to sleep. Every time I have a twinge in my abdomen I panic because I don’t know whether it’s normal or it’s all going to go.

You may be surprised to learn that I actually want to have kids. It may be that I have overdosed on baby websites over the past 2 days trying to cram. They mention things like the “discomfort of morning sickness” (read: being on the verge of throwing up constantly), “tiredness” (read: being hit by a truck and your remains left on the side of the road to dry out in the hot sun) and some “emotional distress” (read: bursting out in tears at the sight of a dead leaf or furiously tearing paper instead of strangling your partner).

There’s so much mythology about the functions of a womans body. It’s like when they tell young girls about the beautiful blossoming experience of her first period. No woman who has had a period would write that shit surely. It’s all about blood streaming from you. Nobody waxes lyrical about getting a freaking paper cut on their finger. It’s the same with pregnancy. It’s not beautiful. It’s smells. It’s discharges. Blood. Puke. It’s strangers poking at your most intimate parts.

There is no Disney scene, with bluebirds, singing and a rosy faced maternal type glowing. It’s misery, pain and fear.

And waiting.

• Wouldn’t it just be easier if instead of bluebells and storks, we could just order the baby of choice on EBAY? I would be up for a paypal purchase or two.

  If I use my credit card, can I get frequent flyer miles?

  the goddess
  Location: Slaving at the salt mines
  07/09/09 10:36 PM

• The return policy would be a real bitch though.

  MJD-S
  Location: the toilet frequently
  07/09/09 11:03 PM

• :-(

  Kristen
  07/09/10 03:29 AM

• As a guy, I really appreciate your candor. It maybe voyuerish to say but I was enthralled by your experiences.

  They have a dire need of more female doctors in Japan, and especially when dealing with women. You should have kicked that jackass.

  As much as hearing it from someone you’ve never met can help: Best of luck.

  Alan
  07/09/10 01:18 PM

• Gawd, your doctor had an English stress-out on top of all that you had to go thru, thats a shame! Im with the Keitai Goddess, I think the eBay option is one that should be investigated further.

  j-ster
  Location: home in front of the computer
  07/09/11 03:43 AM

• Sorry to hear you’ve had a rotten time of it so far!  I’m going to give those bluebirds a stern talking to regarding their responsibilities.  In the meantime, I can send some hugs!

  patita
  07/09/11 02:12 PM